Fittest Soldier in the World - Diamond Ott | Muscle Madness
This Is How The Fittest People On Earth REALLY Work Out
I haven't seen bodies like these since I quit porn. Maybe there were approximations in swimsuit editions orFast & Furiousmovies, but it's never been like it is here, where I can watch the sweat bead and the muscles quiver and the legs go for miles. They call this place a fitness festival. It looks like Gomorrah.
Over 35,000 human figures are on display at Wodapalooza 2019, the largest functional fitness competition outside of the CrossFit Games. The Games are rigid and corporate-minded, but Wodapalooza—named for CrossFit's Workouts of the Day—packages a downtown Miami beach party to go with its pump. There's music and grandstands and an ocean of near-nudity, but make no mistake, people aren't here for the imminent carnal pleasures. They're here to work out as long, hard, and heavy as they can. They're here to support each other and be in community and share their fitness message with the world. This is paradise without sin, Eden before the apple.
There are plenty of CrossFit stereotypes—the zeal, the frat stars, the injuries—but Wodapalooza funnels many sorts past its pulsing entrance. Ponytailed yogis wrap their arms around gargantuan goths. Bespectacled geeks exchange bro-hugs with barrel-chested wrestlers. Dads herd lean, greyhoundish children while their wives tongue water bottles and wear tiny tops and make you think about adultery. There are 1,550 athletes in total from 52 countries, and everyone seems to know each other.
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One prophet couldn't lead so many disciples, so Wodapalooza has two. At the heart of the festival are co-founders Steve Suarez and Guido Trinidad. Suarez is 37 and Trinidad is 36, but you'd ballpark each at 30. They have Latin accents, firm handshakes, and smiles that make me want to follow them anywhere.
"We believe in what it does to your body, but CrossFitters truly create a community, and that's what's so brilliant," says Suarez. His eyes match the ocean behind him. "I'm sure you get people that say CrossFit is too culty, right? It has that stigma, but there's something special about this event. You'll feel it."
The drug of choice at Wodapalooza isn't sex or booze or even HGH, it's the endorphins, the high from ripping a PR on an overhead squat or jacking 21 straight pullups. It sounds clean, but in practice, it's a horror show.
To the naked eye, all the rumors about CrossFit workouts seem to be true. At Wodapalooza, athletes score points by completing each of the festival's nine workouts. The faster you finish, the more points you earn, and in some cases there are one-rep exercises where you can go for your max weight and earn additional points for big numbers. At the end of the weekend, the person with the highest total is declared champion. This is to say: These competitions are intense—less jazzercise, more gladiator pit.
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