Relationship with the mother-in-law - learning to find a common language
When a girl gets married, she, along with beautiful wedding photos, new family responsibilities and the status of "wife", she automatically acquires an updated list of relatives, and the mother of her new husband becomes, for most of them, a quiet horror.
To achieve friendly and warm relations with my mother-in-law, few of whom get it, most of the young wives, in due course, move from the stage of "cold acquaintance" to the stage "I do not want to communicate with your mother anymore" or "let her come to us!".
What kind of nightmarish stories young daughters-in-law do not tell their mother-in-law, attributing them to furies from hell, still, after all, about a calm and friendly family, most of them have only to dream. What to hide, the mother-in-law also does not remain in debt and, at times, I do not understand myself, confidently destroying all the minimum opportunities for reconciliation of the two “enemy” camps.
“How much will she teach me?”, “Why does she interfere in the upbringing of our child?”, “She’s not my mother!”, “I can’t live with her anymore on the same territory!”.Familiar? Surely, maybe not quite and not in this form, but something similar arose and your family, since you undertook to read an article with that name. How to find a common language with the mother in law? Many young wives are interested in this question, because conflict situations with the husband’s mother are far from news, and not only in our country.
Unfortunately, not every daughter-in-law is really trying to improve relations with her mother-in-law, after several failures or the warmest reception, she already sets herself up in hostility towards her mother-in-law and is looking for ways of least resistance: she simply avoids communication.
And it’s okay if everything ends there, but the matter goes further: the young wife begins to prevent her husband from communicating with her mother, does not allow children to visit her grandmother and does not accept home conversations about her at all. This, of course, is an extreme point, which acts like a time bomb: scandals start in the family, mother pulls her son back into the family, while his wife, on the contrary, pulls her away.
And my husband, at least torn. And, what is most regrettable, a man, in the end, through suffering and hassle can choose a mother.And not because he does not love you, but because parents alone will not be there, but you can choose your wife. Whatever one may say, but the daughter-in-law remains in the red, so building relations with the mother-in-law is the best scenario for your family relations from any side.
What to do?
First, you need to put yourself in the place of your mother-in-law. From the point of view of psychology, this is a very effective method in a situation of any conflict, because only in this way will it be possible to understand why a person acts this way and not otherwise.
Your mother-in-law is, first of all, the mother of your loved one, which means a close, respected and dear person for him.
If you are already a mother, you should understand how your mother-in-law trembles your husband, because he is her son, beloved and dear. She carried him out, gave birth and brought up, empathized him with successes and failures, soothed and read bedtime stories, took his hand in school and refused new boots to buy him a toy.
Now her son grew up, some strange girl came and took him with her, took the place of her mother, pushing her into the background. Unpleasant, right? Believe me, our mother-in-law, like you, needs time to get used to her daughter-in-law, get to know her better and add up her opinion.
This, in fact, is that unplowed field, when the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are not well acquainted, the latter should show herself here in the best possible way, treat with understanding and gratitude the woman who gave you such a beloved and dear husband.
Smile to her once again, ask about affairs and mood, if you are expected by your first acquaintance, then try not to sit at the table opposite her mother-in-law, but rather find a place somewhere near her.
Mother is always worried about her son, even if he is already 40 years old, he is still an object of adoration for her. Try to show that you, like her, want only the best for her son, take care of your husband, show affection, ask his mother once again, what he likes, what is best for him to cook for dinner and how best to fold his things.
Interestingly, no one forces you to unconditionally fulfill all the recommendations and teachings of the mother-in-law, you can listen and put it aside, but the woman will be pleased to know that her opinion is important to you. The most serious difficulties begin in the event that a young family begins to live with her husband's parents. Here, the common life and territory, which can not be shared by all the hostesses.
There are cases when the mother-in-law, without even realizing it, steps over the edges of the rational, comes in without a knock to the newlyweds, makes plans for the weekend according to her own scenario, including the young family, without asking for their consent. In such and other similar situations, it is necessary to establish strict rules that will apply to all family members.
As for the economy, sometimes the policy helps the division of labor: someone buys food, cooks dinner, and someone erases, cleans and washes windows. If the views on the management of the two women are different, then the option is most likely the only one: to disperse in different homes.
And, by the way, this does not mean that your mother-in-law is bad, it’s just that each of you is used to living in your own way, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Even if, living in different apartments, your mother-in-law manages to arrange Sunday "checks" of your home, do not get angry, but treat with humor, because she does this not out of malice, but thus tries to help you with the housekeeping.
For the rest, older women are, more often than not, more experienced than young wives, therefore sometimes it may be worthwhile to listen to their instructions and recommendations.
What not to do?
- Intervene in conflicts between your husband and his mother.They are adults, close relatives, so they can figure out without your participation. In private, you can tell your spouse what his mother is wrong about or not, but not at the height of the conflict.
- To set up a husband against his family. Often, young mothers, if they have never found a common language with their mother-in-law, refuse to trust the children, believing that their grandmother is unable to raise them properly or look after them. Just think, this woman raised your husband the way he is, she certainly has more experience and knowledge than a young girl. Do not swear because of an extra candy or because the child went to bed an hour later, remember, you were spoiled as a child, and nothing terrible happened because of this.
- Remember, the constant scandals, quarrels and showdowns just will not lead to anything good. Try to talk calmly with your mother-in-law, explain what you don’t like and disagree with, offer a compromise. Try to better understand this woman, why does she somehow act in a particular situation? To do this, ask the husband about her life, hobbies and preferences.If you are tolerant, learn to give in and wisely relate to certain situations, then, over time, your mother-in-law will still become a dear and close person.
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