Jealousy between children
Jealousy is as diverse in its manifestations as love. There is jealousy:
Between the kids.
Between man and woman.
Jealousy is not the best, but a strong enough feeling. The whole layer of the phenomenon is not covered, so let's talk about jealousy between children.
Jealousy child. Causes
Despite the fact that each person is a creature piece and unique, the human race as a species possesses nature. It is this that gives rise to common causes of jealousy in a child when he has a sister (or brother). Four reasons:
For a small child, he is the center of the universe, as a consequence, the ultimate egocentrism.
Parents give all their strength and attention to the youngest child, and forget about the older one, because “he is already big”.
The child is a manipulator.
Fear of loneliness and a feeling of helplessness, uselessness and abandonment.
In each case, the reasons may be different, but in one way or another they come in or come into contact with the global problems described above. Consider each item in more detail.
A child in three years separates himself from his mother, and he wakes up a thirst to do everything on his own.This does not mean at all that he has become an “adult”, it is just another round in his development. Figuratively speaking, a child at this age needs public. He is independent, but we need parents who are watching how well done he is. The appearance of the younger child at this time breaks the intention of the older child - to be the center of the earth. Therefore, there is jealousy.
Freud said that the optimal difference between children is 5-7 years.
How to win the child's jealousy in this case? It is necessary to prepare an older child for the fact that he will soon have a brother (or sister). You can tell how unhappy those children who do not have brothers and sisters, inspire a child a sense of pride. When a child asks his parents to “buy” him a brother or sister, this makes things easier and calms the parents, but not always the children are so generous and altruistic. But the preparatory stage is not the most important. Then the point is more important.
Parental blindness and deafness to the needs of an older child
Most often, the parents themselves are to blame for the jealousy problem of the older child to the younger child, especially when the difference between children is less than 5-7 years old. Agree that when a child is a schoolchild, his sphere of interests does not focus only on his family and parents, and he readily gives his parents a lease on his younger brother or sister.Another thing is when children equally need the attention of their parents. The main mistake of parents in the treatment of children (and not only small ones) is the phrases:
"You're already an adult ..."
"He is small, he needs more ..."
Such constructions only make the child angry and make him more jealous.
Parents believe that appealing to such abstract entities as gender, age or duty, puts the eldest child on a pedestal, gives the child pride. It is easy to get rid of such a delusion: let such a parent ask himself whether he likes it when the word “duty” falls from the lips of those around him? Most people are terribly furious. A similar allergy is caused by an appeal to the sex and age of a person. So why should such phrases like a child?
How to beat the jealousy of the older child in this case?
Ruthlessly corrode sentences from the vocabulary that appeal to the sex, age and sense of duty of the child.
Try to divide the time between the children equally so that the older one does not feel left off. As a rule, the birth of a second child is the decision of the parents, so the eldest son (or daughter) should not suffer.
To argue why parents cannot spend time with the child and say when they can pay attention to him.
To involve the eldest child in caring for the younger one, but not by force, but only at will and give the child only those tasks that he can easily fulfill. This brings up pride in the older child and a sense of responsibility for the other person.
Child - manipulator
The notion that children are the angels of heaven croaked into oblivion. The popularity of psychology is doing its job. Modern parents are not so naive as even their parents. There is a theory that the character of a person is formed up to five years. And all that happens next is only the disclosure of the makings.
Therefore, if someone thinks that a small child cannot manipulate adults, he is deeply mistaken. The difference between adult manipulation and child is that the latter is unconscious and intuitive, and the first is conscious. The benefits are present both there and there. Remember, children's hysteria, when they did not buy the desired toy? Do you think they are very upset? Not at all - it is a tool to achieve a goal, and a person learns to be pushed around by others from an early age.
Sometimes a child understands love as jealousy. He concluded: you must constantly discover your presence so that you will not forget about it. According to him, the shortest way to recognition is to “be offended by the whole world.” If the child behaves this way, the problems of upbringing are obvious. Parents should make claims against themselves.
When the jealousy of the child to the youngest child manifests itself in this way, there is only one advice here: to talk with the child, to teach him to express his feelings directly, and not just to take offense, besides, to embrace and caress. The older child must feel his need.
The child reproduces the model of behavior that he sees in the family: if a son or daughter observes how parents provoke each other and manipulations pass, the child unconsciously copies their behavior.
If parents do not openly discuss problems and difficulties, then the child will not learn about this method of resolving conflicts, disagreements and contradictions, like negotiation.
Fear of loneliness
The jealousy of an older child to a younger one hides the fear of loneliness. Imagine that parents are doing everything right. They prepared the child for the appearance of a brother or sister, talked with him.But the thought is pulsating in the head of the first child: “I did something wrong, my parents want to replace me.” If the child thinks so, then heightened attention to the baby convinces him of the truth of the guess. Fear of abandonment is a common human trait, and he also visits children. There is only one recipe: to show the child its importance and necessity. And as much as possible time to talk with him.
The manifestation of jealousy in children
First of all:
Silent and gloomy / chaotically active.
It attracts attention.
Trying on the role of "nanny" for the younger.
He has nightmares, where he cracks down on a brother or sister.
If the child was talkative and active before the appearance of the second child, then he became isolated, or vice versa: he was quiet before, and then became noisy - he was jealous. Atypical behavior indicates that the older child adapts in a new environment and role. In such a situation, it is better to ask him a direct question and explain that there is no reason for concern, because the helplessness of the younger sister (or brother) is temporary. In addition, he himself was in the same condition when he was small. And also to say that your employment with the youngest will not affect the older one.Not only say, but also do.
A child draws attention to itself with aggressive behavior: hooligans, spoils and breaks toys - he is jealous.
If the eldest child seeks to help parents with the younger, then this means that he lacks attention. The correct strategy is this: parents allow the child to help, and then pay attention to him.
If the child is raised in strictness, then he does not dare to say that he is jealous of the newborn. In such cases, desires manifest themselves through dreams. As a rule, the eldest dreams of the death of the younger. How to behave your parents?
Do not raise fear in a child.
If signs of anxiety for a junior senior are noticeable, ask him what is the matter? Does he have bad dreams?
The jealousy of a child for a newborn is a natural phenomenon that the eldest child will outgrow. True, this does not mean at all that one should take lightly of this extremely important stage in the life of both children.
The main thing is that the child does not feel fear and trust his parents.
Such are the manifestations of jealousy in children. We move further and consider in more detail what the elder child should and should not say.
Jealousy children family. How not to ignite the fire of war?
A deceptive delusion goes from mouth to mouth: there is no need to choose words with native people, they are kind, they will forgive and understand. With strangers and others - is another matter. And it begins with the very childhood between parents and children. And if so, then you need to dwell on the "harmful" and "useful" phrases of the parents, which they say to the older child.
Let's start with the bad:
The appeal to the child's age, his seniority in any form is prohibited. Otherwise, the child automatically becomes an adult, but it must be remembered that he did not order a younger brother or sister, which means that he is not obliged to him anything. Another thing, if he himself seeks to help.
You can not infringe on the rights of the older child, take away his toys in favor of the younger. Usually such an action is accompanied by the phrase: "Well, he's a little ...". One child should not suffer because of another.
It is impossible in any form to compare senior and junior in favor of the latter. If parents are interested in a friendly family, they will refrain from any comparisons of children. Each person is unique, and if he so draws an example, then the child must be attributed to himself in the past, bearing in mind what progress he has made.
The priority of the youngest child should not be obvious to the older one, even if it exists.
Indispensable helpers of parents in this difficult time - patience and tact.
Now for the good:
It is necessary to praise the elder for his desire to help with the younger child, nurturing pride and responsibility in him.
It is necessary to show that the elder is strong, and he needs less parental care, and the younger is weak, so parents give him more attention, and not because the younger love more.
If parents want to take toys from a younger child, they invariably ask for a favor by showing respect for the identity of their son or daughter.
The rules are simple and well-known, but still people often make mistakes on the wave of emotions and feelings. The jealousy of the children of the family is an unpleasant phase of the relationship between brothers and sisters, but then they will outgrow it and will love each other.
Jealousy of two children can not be "cured", it can only be "docked"
Children outgrow jealousy, but she never leaves completely. Human life and upbringing are difficult, so parents should not forget the recommendations given above. The jealousy of two children towards each other is manifested in rivalry in the future, when it takes on peaceful forms, it benefits the brothers and sisters.Due to rivalry with others, a person progresses and goes forward. Since jealousy is implicit in an adult, it does not exclude compassion, empathy and help to brothers and sisters. Jealousy, like envy, can create, and can destroy a person to the ground.
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