How to start a new relationship after a divorce
What difficulties can you face after a divorce in trying to build a new relationship?
You forgot what flirting is
Especially if you got married early. Rational, unobtrusive, natural flirting is a whole science. And not all have this knowledge laid genetically. It takes time to learn how to behave naturally and find those partners that really suit you. And if you spent this time with one man with whom you recently divorced, and did not communicate with anyone else? In communication with the opposite sex, you can feel like a schoolgirl, whose legs are shaking in front of the unknown.
You underestimate your self-esteem
Rarely, who leaves the divorce without a psychological trauma. And in this case, first of all, self-esteem suffers. Especially if the marriage broke up because of treason. Depending on the degree of trauma of the event, women, with rare exceptions, choose one of three ineffective behaviors:
- "All men are goats, and I am not going to deal with them";
- "I am not worthy of men";
(By scrolling through these two phrases in your head, you are becoming self-contained.)
- “I am the most charming and attractive. And just try to refuse! ”
In this case, you have a second wind. Wanting to meet at any cost, you start sending out questionnaires to all dating sites, in companies you stick to all unmarried men, you constantly flirt at work and generally behave obsessively, sometimes even aggressively. This means one thing: you are not yet ready for a harmonious relationship - do not rush, give yourself time.
You start rushing things
We all love stencils, patterns that we ourselves have created. And because women who have long lived with one man often transfer these stencils to new acquaintances. As a result, already on the second date, they begin to make attempts to acquaint a man with their children, they suggest “to go to the circus together, as it was before,” to choose a “new jacket” for a new acquaintance, “to dress and cut hair like a decent person.” And this is not at all a demonstration of the benefits of future family life, as the majority believes, this is an unceremonious violation of personal space.
You are looking for a wizard
"If only I had a new man, I would have solved all my problems and healed my wounds," one client wrote to me, who just wants to divorce her husband. And why this new man has to decide something ... Here he is "delighted." Yes, run away right there. Because he has his own problems, and here there are still strangers. One or two more problems to solve. And when their whole cart and a small truck?
Very often, women who do not have time to rest from old relationships, hang on their new partner all their everyday and psychological problems, load him with unnecessary information, telling "what a classy sex was with her husband," "how cool they all family went to Thailand," " how my husband washed the floors and generally helped with the housework, ”“ how cheated with the secretary, ”“ how he got drunk in the garage. ” And then they are surprised that for some reason they cannot build a serious relationship.
How to avoid difficulties and how to get acquainted?
Restore the gap in the area of flirting
It is believed that a woman is ready for new relationships only after 3–6 years. That is how much time is required for rehabilitation. Start with ordinary, non-binding friendships. First, understand who the men are.who surround you now? Imagine that you are from another planet and you are given the task of finding out who they are, what they live with, how they think, what they want? Communicating with the opposite sex, show respect, sincere interest and follow all the rules of effective communication.
The men you communicate with do not have to be free. You learn communication. Discuss utility questions with your neighbor, maintain a conversation with a fellow traveler on the train, help your grandfather find goods in the store, discuss with the men standing in line with you, something positive, make friends with the men's team of the neighboring department. Practice, expand your circle of acquaintances and gradually from this circle you will emerge the image of the partner that you need for a serious relationship.
Do not shut yourself in: if you are offended by men, go out into people. In any. Though in the women's team, though male. Take more hours at work if it is related to communication, participate in charity, invite friends, visit friends, join interest groups, come to thematic evenings. Know yourself new in communication.
And yes, no aggression in dating! Men are not to blame, that your previous relationship was unsuccessful. If you are angry that you were not invited to a date, the wrong flowers were brought, you were invited to the wrong cafe, did not respond to your warm hugs, you are not yet ready for a relationship. Yes, you are wonderful, beautiful, amazing, but now you have a grudge against men that you need to go through so as not to endure the conflict on innocent people.
Do not force events
No matter how much your friends and relatives pressed you: “Hurry up while you're still young, beautiful,” no matter how much you yourself would like to jump into the pool with your head, do not rush. Before you is not a husband. Before you is another person. And your relationship should develop naturally. Acquaintance should be an acquaintance, courtship should be courting, lapping should be lapping, and not vice versa. Do not feed borscht unfamiliar person, leave attempts to introduce him to children and parents. Respect someone else's space.
Ask yourself: “What do I want now? Get rid of resentment against your ex-husband? To the whole world? Or maybe I want to find a new job? Go to Malaysia? Sign up for a zumba? ”Did you find anything suitable from this list? If not, add your own.
Realize what you wanted for a long time.Who else, if not you, to take care of yourself beloved? Download yourself work, psychological and household. Every day you become happier, step by step get rid of claims to the world by OWN forces through the fulfillment of your small and big tasks, through the fulfillment of your desires.
You must come to a new relationship as much as possible updated, without prejudice, insults, obsessive thoughts and doubts in their internal and external appearance.
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