How to get rid of the victim complex
Where do the victims come from?
The worldview of future victims is formed in childhood, where the main role is played by the unfavorable moral situation in the family.
The first scenario.Victims are usually the children of strict and powerful parents who use authoritarian education. Children from an early age get used to the fact that their lives are entirely dependent on a stronger parent who can pet or punish. Gradually, the child concludes that nothing depends on him (or nothing large or large), and lives in the constant expectation that someone else will manage his affairs.
The second scenario- lack of parental caress, plus a liberal style of education with no restrictions. Parents behave according to the principle of "come what may" and develop a character in a young person, focusing on happy chance and the opportunity to follow their lead. For example, I wanted a chocolate bar - I stole it in a store. Perhaps they will not see.
As we can see, the development of the victim’s complex is facilitated by both hyper-care and the complete absence of restrictions.
Who is involved in the life of the victim?
If you look closely, in almost any group of people, starting with the kindergarten, there is a person over whom someone is making fun of or, worse, really mocking. Such a victim, like a sponge, absorbs the negative emotions that arise in the group for various reasons. And due to this “psychological detente,” the group can function successfully.
The doctrine of the American psychologist Stephen Karpman, who reports that there are many roles in any group other than the victim, has now become popular. And the main ones are the rescuer and the pursuer.
These roles are very visible in families with co-dependent relationships. For example, a teenage boy suffers from gambling, and his relatives alternately try on the roles of the rescuer, the pursuer and the victim himself. But basically the role of the victim is played by a boy-teenager.
The victim behaves infantile, defenseless, vulnerable, can not or does not want to take care of himself to the fullest, seeks help in others, because he does not believe in himself.If the victim, in her opinion, does not help much, she becomes angry, accuses everyone of selfishness and heartlessness. For example, a woman who plays the role of a victim in a family is offered to take care of herself, to sign up for a massage, for yoga, to visit a psychotherapist. And in response, she angrily exclaims: “How are you not ashamed? How can I do this if my father is sick in my house! ”
As you can see, it is difficult for a person to emerge from the role of a victim, because this role has taken root, as if native.
A little about other roles.
- He takes on all the worries of the victim, ignoring himself, his state of health, his strengths and needs;
- expects the same help in return, and therefore often says or even reproaches: “I gave you all my youth,” “I spent so much energy on you, but you don't care”;
- in order to “feed the hungry,” he does not give him a bait, but food — in a word, he does everything for the victim and does not teach her anything.
Rescuers in the family often become loving mothers and grandmothers. These women usually talk about their overgrown children or grandchildren like this: "We are sick," "We finish college," "We are looking for work."
Rescuers usually grow up in families where their abilities and needs are not recognized, and therefore they climb out of their skin to be needed, to be noticed and to turn to them for help.
The persecutor in every way humiliates the victim, reproaches her for something, “educates”, decides for her what to do and what to feel. And often punishes the "culprit" / "culprit" for the manifestation of negative emotions, for tears, for the "whims", etc.
Persecutors grow out of families where children have been subjected to psychological and / or physical abuse. Growing up, such victims learn to imitate their offender, becoming cruel themselves. Attacks help them overcome their sense of helplessness and shame.
The pursuer always needs someone for whom a decision can be made and who will be guilty of almost all failures and blunders. By making the victim helpless, the pursuer projects his powerlessness onto her.
An important point: while a person is wearing a victim's mask, a persecutor and a rescuer will follow him, like a shadow. Tell me honestly, would you like this company? I doubt it. So, it's time to drop the mask and show your true face to the world.
How to get rid of the victim complex?
- Recognize this complex. It is easy and not shameful. If only because, besides you, there are many such people. Awareness of the complex reduces its power over the person and makes it possible to cope with it.
- Sign up for self-defense courses.Such classes will not only form the ability to win in street attacks, but also relieve from a number of other psychological problems: they will give confidence, will teach verbally to resolve conflicts even in very dangerous situations, will correct aggression, including hidden.
- Defend your psychological boundaries. People with a complex of victims do not feel their psychological boundaries, allowing others to violate them, and periodically violate the boundaries of others.
Want to know if you cross other people's borders?
Then take a very small test. Imagine that you are sitting at a festive table with colleagues. You need ketchup, but it is far from you. What will you do?
- Reach out for ketchup itself, so as not to strain anyone;
- I'll get someone to give me a ketchup.
If you chose option "A", you have a problem with the feeling of personal and alien space. It would seem inconvenient for you to disturb others with your requests, and therefore you physically try to expand your space, thereby restricting the space of another.
When we decide for another person what he should feel, we already violate his boundaries.After all, it is completely logical that a person himself should decide what to experience: to worry or not, to get angry or not, and so on.
How many conflicts can be resolved with the help of simple requests: “Help me, please,” “Tell me, please,” “Hold, please!”
Practice on similar simple exercises - ask people about various trifles as often as possible. And you will notice how well and calmly others react to respect for their personal space. So delicate people, as you would like to help!
Anchor your confidence
Remember the situations from the life where you were a real clever / clever: for example, you successfully defended your diploma, held an event, got rights. Feel inside this image. Now fit inside this picture. Look at the situation as you saw it at that moment.
If you manage to remember everything thoroughly, you will once again experience pride in yourself / yourself, and then you will feel confident in your professionalism, in your abilities.
As soon as this state catches up with you, pull yourself on the little finger. Repeat the exercise several times to secure.Let it be your “anchor” in your personal course on the successful development of events. And if someday you come across a difficult, difficult to resolve situation, this action will be enough for you to feel confident in your own abilities again.
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